Stephen H Baum Leadership

We have previously written about moments when something someone says or does “grabs” us — provokes an emotional response and behavior that is not really in our own interest or helpful toward our agenda. We are in a fight or flight mode instead of staying centered and responding with a more “blending (collaborative)” or detached exchange which might have served us better.  We backed away or came on strong when there were other choices. 

Here is a tool that my chief executives are using to get a handle on this through self-discovery.

Keep a couple of index cards in your shirt or jacket pocket at all times. In advance, write the tabs below on the cards (or print out cards with the tabs already on the cards). The first chance you have when you are alone after someone says or does something that sets you off,  fill in the blanks with at most one or two lines:

–  Who (name of person who grabbed me)

–  Where (location and who else present

–  What (was said or done that grabbed me)

–  What I said or did in response (my behavior)

–  Why (why I was upset ) 

At the end of the day, throw the completed card or cards in a drawer. At the end of a week and after two weeks, take some quiet time when you are calm and read the cards.  

Are there any patterns to the “grabs” in your answers to 1 through 5?  Did some grabs stay with you for more than a day?  Were there consequences for your responses that you don’t like, either in business results or relationships or your own emotional state? What are they? Write up a summary of your analysis  (one page, headline style). 

Now examine the summary and dig into your “mind map:” what long-standing, deeply-held assumptions or beliefs were threatened? What “fear” or “no fly zone” was inflamed?  Did you feel your integrity was impugned? that your worth was challenged?  your intelligence questioned and you felt you would appear stupid? Can you identify moments long ago when you first had these feelings? How much of what you felt was driven by your own assumptions and beliefs? 

With the learning that comes from this exercise, you should be able to begin to get “early warning” of grabs, take a breath and classify the grab and treat the incoming with more detachment. If you do, it will save you time and energy and emotional distress not only in the moment, but in cleaning up the aftermath that letting grabs control us often create.  

If you have a story to tell after you try this tool, share it with us.